This Life We Have
by Ji-soo
Summary: Merle and Daryl Dixon had one person they both loved more than anything: their Mama. She didn't die or run away. She chose her children. A story through Merle's and Daryl's eyes. A 'what if' story.
1. Life as It Is

Ji-Soo NOTE: So this is my first Walking Dead story, I hope you enjoy and read and review.

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN THE WALKING DEAD!

Enjoy!

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Chapter One: Life as It Is

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The earliest memory Merle has of his Mama is when he's 3 years old and she is laughing with him, they are both sitting in the back yard looking at all the fireflies. His Mama is ever so pretty, she has a pretty heart shaped face with cupids bow lips, pretty porcelain skin, light blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He remembers thinking that she must be an angel from heaven because there is nobody as pretty as his Mama. She always calls him as 'my little prince Merle' and praises him for everything he does, even the little things his Pa ignores.

"You're such a bright little boy, Merle!"

She's always hugging him and kissing him. He doesn't mind because she smells like apples and coconuts. That's also the first year that he can clearly remember his Mama looking out the kitchen window and then locking him in the closet with his favorite blanket and telling him to be a good boy and be quiet. She kisses him then locks the door to the closet then the door to his room. He can hear his Pa as he yells at her, calling her all sorts of names.

"You're a damn filthy Yankee whore! Stealing all my fuckin money!"

It's also the first time that he remembers the distinct sound of flesh hitting flesh and his Mama crying and screaming. It lasts for 10 minutes before he hears the door slam close and then his Mama is unlocking the closet door and he starts crying like a baby. He sees that her pretty heart shaped face has dark purple bruises and her lip is bleeding. She cradles him closer and hugs him, kisses his head as she also cries onto him, holding him like lifeline.

Merle is three years old but he already knows that life isn't fair sometimes.

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When Merle is 5 years old, his Mama is still locking him in the closet when his Pa comes home drunk and angry, he still yells at her and still hits her.

"You filthy cunt! Look at this goddamn place don'cha fuckin' know how to clean! You're a fuckin' worthless piece of shit!"

His Pa always storms out of the house after leaving his Mama on the floor crying and bleeding until she's able to get up and unlock the door. They do the same thing afterwards, only that Merle doesn't cry anymore instead he just holds her and let's her cry out her frustration, then he cleans her face until she's smiling sadly at him. She stays in his room for the night and Merle has never felt as safe as he is in those moments. She always tells him that she loves him so much and that his Pa is a dummy who doesn't understand a lot of things.

His Mama wants to work but is afraid that his Pa might come home early one day and hit Merle while he's alone. Merle's Pa hasn't ever laid a hand on him; his Mama wants to keep it that way. So she keeps on being a housewife, cleaning the house daily, making food for his Pa and him. She helps him with his homework, his Mama is really, _really _smart because she tells him about all the places that she got to see when she was younger like Italy, France, Japan, and South Korea. Merle wants to ask his Mama why they don't just leave their Pa but he doesn't because sometimes, on the rare occasions that his Pa isn't drunk or anything, he's nice to his Mama calling her "honey" and "my angel".

His Mama always smiles brightly and laughs in true delight. Sometimes they even kiss in front of him and on those days he's sent to bed early. At night, when he'll wake up to take a piss, he can hear his Mama saying 'I love you' over and over. His Pa will say it too but he always throws in an 'I'm sorry' in there sometimes.

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When Merle is 7 years old, he meets his Granny and Grandpa for the first time; his Mama's parents. Merle's Pa is out of town on a hunting trip with his buddies for a whole week so his Mama decides that it's time for them to meet Merle. His grandparents are from a small town in Connecticut, selling real estate. His Granny spoils him with candy and ice cream while his Grandpa always leaves him in awe from all the war stories he tells him.

His Mama dresses him in nice clothes everyday and she does too, their house was cleaned spotless 3 days before so it doesn't smell like beer and cigarette smoke instead it smells like clean linens and apples. His Mama makes fancy dinners almost every night, some of the dishes he's never even heard of. His Granny and Grandpa take him to the park, to the cinema and sometimes they show him an album that they brought from their house, one when his mama was a baby and Merle thinks she looked like a doll. His grandparents leave on Saturday night "because the drive is long and I hope you come visit us up north Merle, my boy!"

His Pa comes home Sunday night with a buck strapped to the back of the truck; he calls Merle over and tells him to look at the big catch. His Pa tells him that that summer he's going to start teaching Merle how to track and hunt.

It's the first time Merle is actually excited to do something with his Pa.

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When he's 9 years old, Merle is already a pro at tracking and is learning how to use a hunting rifle; it's one of the very few small lessons from his Pa that he finds valuable.

He goes hunting with his Pa on the weekends, and is pretty proud of himself when he brings home a wild turkey, the biggest one he could find. His Mama smothers him with hugs and kisses all while telling him that she's so very proud of him and soon he'll be a big man.

His Mama always makes whatever he catches into fancy, delicious dinners. She says that they taste extra special because he caught them. He believes her because his Mama has never been wrong.

That year, on a cool late May afternoon Merle is in his room when he hears the door slam open, and he instinctively knows that his Pa is drunk. Merle immediately runs to the living room and finds his Mama on the floor; she has a nasty bright red bruise on her face, her nose is bleeding along with her lip. His Pa is towering over her, arm raised to strike her again. He doesn't know what it is that makes him so angry, maybe it's the fact that his Pa is a bastard who doesn't deserve his kind, beautiful Mama, or maybe it's the fact that his Mama is crying so brokenly that he wants to cry too.

He doesn't know and certainly doesn't remember because the next thing he knows is that he's on top of his Pa punching him over and over, until his knuckles hurt and are bleeding. Merle wants to scream at him, to tell him that _he_ is the one that's a useless piece of shit! But he doesn't because suddenly his Mama has thrown herself on top of his Pa, her body covering his.

"Please stop, Merle! He's your Papa! Stop, please!"

He's not my Papa, is what he wants to tell her but he doesn't because it's almost like someone pressed the 'off' button on him and he freezes. His Mama keeps crying; her cries hurt him so deeply that soon, before he even realizes or acknowledges it, he starts crying too.

Merle doesn't know who he's crying for, for his Mama, for himself, or for the fucked up life they have.

His Mama soon puts his Pa to bed, she sits in their old beat up couch and calls him over, for a moment he feels 3 again and all he wants to do is hug his Mama. Instead he sits on the floor and lays his head on her lap when she starts running her hand through his hair, it soothes him.

"I'm having a baby."

Merle stays still for a long time. His Mama; his kind, beautiful Mama was having another baby.

"It should be born sometime in late December or early January."

Merle stands up and walks away. He doesn't talk to his Mama for a month.

All that he can think of during that time is that his Mama is going to have another baby, another boy to love more. That she won't love him anymore. He thinks that he might end up like his Pa. Angry and bitter.

Merle still protects his Mama from his Pa. Even if he hates the tiny life that his Mama is carrying inside of her, it doesn't mean that he hates her. She's still his kind, beautiful Mama.

Then in sometime April, when he gets home from school he finds his Mama crying in her room. Whenever his Mama cries, Merle feels like his heart is being squeezed tightly. He enters her room quietly and sits on the bed. Suddenly his Mama is hugging him so tightly he can't breathe properly but he lets her anyway because it's his Mama.

"I'm so sorry, baby! I love you my little prince!"

She shouldn't be the one apologizing because it was Merle who made her cry by ignoring her. He was an awful son.

"I want to have this baby! I want to see you having a brother or a little sister, Merle! I want you to be happy!"

Merle just hugs her tighter because all along his Mama just wanted him to be happy, and while he still wasn't too thrilled about a baby coming and taking all of his Mama's time away, he isn't cruel enough to tell her 'no'.

"You're such a dummy, Mama. I'm sorry."

She keeps crying until she tires herself out and falls asleep on Merle's arms.

-/-

When Merle is ten years old, on the first of January, Daryl John Dixon is born.

He's a tiny wrinkled little, pink thing that squirms and does nothing but sleep and eat. And cry.

His Mama says that Daryl is a New Years Baby, so he gets an unlimited supply of diapers, baby formula and some clothes here and there. When Merle is at the hospital, he watches his Mama smile at the Daryl, touch his face and generally melt all over him. He doesn't want to hold Daryl because he's scared. What if he drops Daryl? Then what?

His Mama makes him hold Daryl anyway.

Daryl abruptly opens bright blue eyes and is looking at Merle in the eyes when suddenly he just smiles at him.

It's at that moment that Merle stops hating Daryl and instead swears to protect him as fiercely as he does his Mama.

And he makes true on this promise when they go home and his Pa comes home drunk again, his Mama wants Merle to take Daryl and hide in the closet but Merle isn't stupid, he knows his Mama is tired, she had just given birth. Instead he pushes his Mama with Daryl in her arms inside his room, locks the door and suddenly he feels what his Mama had felt; fear. Merle doesn't allow himself to dwell on it; he goes into the living room and sees his Pa sitting in the couch.

"Where is your fuckin' Ma? Fuckin' Yankee whore, get the hell out here!"

When his Pa stands up and makes to go into Merle's room, he steps in front of him. Merle is only 10 years old but he's almost 5 feet tall, it's nothing compared to the 6' 3" his Pa is but it's enough to stop him.

His Pa backhands him, his head twisting painfully hard but Merle isn't his Mama and he certainly doesn't take to being hit very well. He returns the hit; only that he hits his Pa on the stomach with as much strength as he can. His Pa collapses on the floor taking in big breaths, Merle then backhands him as hard as his Pa had done to him.

His Pa passes out.

Merle's Mama comes out and gasps but doesn't make a move to go near his Pa.

Daryl is awake and looking around. He sees Merle and smiles and Merle can't help but grin back at little Daryl because he's keeping his promise.

Merle Ian Dixon doesn't go back on his promises. Ever.

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I hope you enjoyed and read and review!

I have more coming along with a twist! Bet no one expected me to make Merle's Mama a girl from the North but it is that way. I have read ones where their Mama either leaves them, dies or something so I decided to make this 'what if?' story.

Updates coming soon!


	2. Roads Not Taken

Ji-Soo NOTE: So this is my Walking Dead story, I hope you enjoy and read and review.

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN THE WALKING DEAD!

Thanks for all the reviews!

Enjoy!

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Chapter 2: Roads Not Taken

**In a different life, in another time when Merle's Mama had had enough, she walked out on them when he was 12. Taking nothing but a picture of Merle and Daryl, she went back to her parents where later on she remarried and had two more children. Merle was stuck raising Daryl the only way he knew how: with violence. Their Pa started to beat them daily until finally Merle started to fight back but was unable to no give in to the dirty habits of their Pa, at 13 he started to drink, at 14 he began to smoke, and at 15 he got into drugs. **

**Daryl was raised in a house of violence with the only role model being his big brother who was slowly going down. He learned to not show any type of feelings or that got you a beating. Merle at 16 had his first stint at juvie, then again and again until they gave him the option to either go to jail or go to the army and serve the country when he turned 18. **

**But this is not that life, this is a road that was not taken but should have been. **

_**Merle and Daryl would have become honorable men.**_

When Merle is 12 years old, Daryl is 2 and loves running around the house and touching absolutely everything. He has broken three of Mama's favorite figurines and has thrown Merle's homework in the toilet multiple times. While Merle doesn't particularly care what Daryl breaks or touches, he does care when the little rascal tries to sass their Mama.

It seems that Daryl is always bent over Merles' knees at least once a day.

Merle always sends his Mama and Daryl into his room when their Pa comes home drunk. He always ends up with a bruise on his face but his Pa doesn't get off easy, he's getting old and can no longer take the punches that Merle throws his way. Sometimes the old man just takes a look at Merle and walks out the door again.

Then one day, after Mother's Day, Merle takes Daryl to the local bakery to buy a cake for their Mama. Merle doesn't think that anything bad is going to happen while they leave their Mama alone but then again Merle is not their Mama and he has never been right.

"I bet Mama is gonna love her cake, right Merle?"

As they're coming back from the bakery, Merle can't shake the feeling that something bad is happening, it settles at the pit of his stomach and stays there the whole walk home. Even Daryl seems to feel it because he's no longer smiling or walking cheerfully instead he's got a tight grip on his hand and is not letting go.

When they get home, Merle hears the screams. His Mama is screaming in panic and fear and Merle feels his heart pounding in his chest as he practically tears the door open and sees red.

His Mama is on the floor half naked.

The skirt she's wearing is pushed up to her waist, her hands frantically trying to push it down, her shirt is torn open revealing her brassiere. His Pa is on top of her, his pants pooling at his knees as he tries to get a steady grip on her.

"Please stop! Ezekiel! STOP!"

"You mother fucking son of a BITCH!"

Merle is on him like a rabid dog, he grabs his Pa throws off his Mama and starts punching him savagely. He doesn't see his Mama standing up hurriedly; trying to cover what little decency she has left, grabbing Daryl and taking him to Merle's room.

He doesn't hear or see anything; all he knows is that he hates his Pa. Hates the man that beats his Mama, hates him because all Merle knows since he was born is violence and hates him because secretly Merle is afraid that he might be more like his Pa than he expected.

"I hate you! You're not my Father! I HATE YOU!"

I hate you. I hate you. IhateyouIhateyouIhateyou. I. HATE. YOU.

He gets off his Pa when the old man isn't moving anymore and for a moment he's afraid that he's killed him but knows he hasn't because the old man is still breathing if a little erratically.

The next day, his Mama has prepared their suitcases filled to the brim with their clothes and with certain memories here and there. The old man is sitting in the living room, watching TV with a can of beer on his hand. His face is black and blue with blood still in certain places.

"I'm sorry, Ezekiel. I'll have the lawyer be in contact with you… I… Sorry."

It's a rainy day when Merle, his Mama, and Daryl leave the house that he grew up in. A car is waiting outside for them, it takes him a while but he recognizes that it's the car his Grandparents had come in when they came to visit.

Merle doesn't feel anything as the car drives away; his Pa is standing in the porch looking for all the world lost and miserable.

It's a 6 hour drive from Georgia to the small town his Grandparents live in, and as the car takes them through all of Main Street Merle can't help but be left in pure awe at all the big beautiful houses that line the streets. There's people walking their dogs saying a friendly 'hello' to each other and for a moment Merle feels like he's in the Twilight Zone.

His Grandparents home is big, almost twice the size of their crappy Georgian home. They have a big front yard with a mailbox, roses decorate the front of the house and when they get out of the car the air is muggy; hot and humid, a completely different feel from the hot Georgian heat.

His Granny has the chauffer grab their bags and bring them in while they are treated to a late lunch. His Grandpa is busy meeting with a potential client but will be home in a half hour. Daryl is shy around his Granny, it's the first time he's meeting her and while Daryl may have been a little devil back home, in front of strangers he got shier than a rabbit.

"Well look at this adorable little baby! Aren't you just the cutest thing ever?"

Daryl hates being called 'baby' and 'cute' because he's two years old and can go to the potty by himself so therefore, by logical deduction, he's not a baby and certainly not cute. He's handsome!

He immediately goes to his Granny, grabs her face between two chubby hands and informs her of such news. She just laughs, picks him up and blows raspberries on his tummy.

At five, his Grandpa comes home and hugs the life out of his daughter, then Merle and then tries to go for Daryl but the little rascal just hides behind his Granny's skirt and peeks out from behind. Grandpa just laughs.

They are shown around the house and told that they may choose whichever room they like the best. Merle chooses the room that's facing the back garden; the room is painted neutral beige with a big queen sized bed, an attached bathroom and is then told that he can decorate the room whichever way he pleases.

Daryl is given the room next to Merle because he's a big boy too and should get to sleep by himself. Their Mama's room is right down the hallway while his Grandparents rooms are downstairs.

That night Merle goes to bed early with Daryl right behind him. As he's dressing in the pajamas that he borrowed from his Grandpa until they go shopping tomorrow, Merle can't help but think back on what his old man is doing. If he's at the bar getting wasted like always or making an effort to come for them, a small part of Merle hopes that his old man is getting ready to come pick them up.

A month later, Merle gives up on this notion when the divorce papers are finalized.

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When Merle is 15 years old, he's in his first year of high school and is ready to try out for the football team. Daryl is 5 years old and just started kindergarten. Living in the small town that they live in has given Merle a chance to start over, he's no longer known as 'the son of Ezekiel the town drunk', instead everyone know him as the grandchild of one of the wealthiest residents of their little town.

The girls at school love his southern accent and make him say things that have them practically melting at his hands.

His Mama always says to not use his accent for evil purposes. He wished it could get him good grades but then again even he could not have everything.

Sometimes at night, he'll start thinking about the old life they used to have back in Georgia and what if they were still back there. Merle can't help but think that maybe his Mama would still be getting beat by his old man, and Daryl would be growing up just like Merle did.

He can't even imagine what he himself would be doing. Would he have started to drink like his father? Had he dropped out of school for lack of support? Would their Mama have died from one the beatings his Pa gave her? Would Merle have hit her too?

It's thoughts like those that scare him the most because he knows that he could have ended up like that. Sometimes he'll just sit in his room doing nothing but stare out the back garden and think.

What if this? What if that?

His Grandpa usually comes to him at times like those and just sits next to Merle and watches and waits. Merle's Grandpa is what he imagines a real father should be like.

Kind, patient, and gentle.

"It didn't go like that so don't dwell on it."

-/-

When Merle is 17 years old, he's one of the football teams most valuable players. He has a girlfriend by the name of Jenna Reed who also loves sports and is captain of the volleyball team. Daryl at 7 years old is a little genius who loves reading and figuring out how things work. His teachers sometimes wonder why he hasn't been moved a grade or two up but soon they discover that it is because he only applies his little brain to what he likes. Math and History do not apply to these categories.

Their Mama is integrating herself into her parents business and is learning the ropes. She's also starting to date again. Merle would be lying if he said that he wasn't angry when he found out about this but he slapped himself silly when he realized what he was trying to do and he was not about to make his Mama a lonely woman. Still all the men (so far only 2 because all of them seemed afraid of Merle's 6' even frame) that came through the door were greeted by Merle and told that if they so much as hurt his Mama in anyway or made her cry, they would not be heard of again.

The only one who had stuck around long enough was James Delaney, a 37-year-old lawyer who was single and had a black golden retriever. They had been dating for a year and half. It was the first time he had seen his Mama truly happy in the eyes of a man. The only times he had seen her with that particular smile was on the rare occasions that his old man was not drunk.

It was around this time that Merle had started to seriously consider the option of signing up for the army. His Grandfather, who witnessed two wars and often preached about serving the country because it was the duty of citizens, influenced part of this. The other reason was that Merle wasn't sure what he wanted to do yet, he figured something along the lines of being a lawyer but he had always been good with a gun so he figures that he might as well make use of it.

He tells Jenna his reasons and she wholeheartedly agrees with him as her own father and grandfather were also in wars. She wants to be a doctor for the army so she also starts to plan for her enrollment in the army and her medical training. Merle can't believe how lucky he was to have found Jenna because she likes him for who he is even when he told her all about his life back in Georgia.

Jenna Reed had won herself a place in Merle's heart alongside his family.

-/-

When Merle and Jenna graduate at the age of 18, they have been talking about marriage and both mutually agree that perhaps they are right for each other.

Merle has told his Mama about joining the Army and although she hates the idea she won't oppose to what he desires. He will be attending West Point for his training and so on, Jenna will be going as well.

Three nights before they are due to leave to West Point, Jenna has joined them for dinner and Merle is sweating like crazy, he keeps on dropping his fork and can't seem to make a whole sentence without stuttering.

Daryl, now 8 years old, tells him to just spill it out already because he can't enjoy his meal.

Merle nods shakily gets up, faces Jenna then kneels down in front of her, his Grandparents, Mama and Daryl all gasp at the same time but he pays them no mind. He pulls out the velvet black box from his pants pockets; his hands are shaking so badly he almost drops the box once.

"Will you marry m-me?"

Three seconds of silence pass and he feels like an idiot because maybe she changed her mind.

"Yes! YES!"

In his excitement he hastily gets up and head-butts Jenna in the face and gives her a split lip.

She still says yes when he asks again in the bathroom while she's treating her lip.

-/-

When Merle is 20 years old, he is transferred to Seoul, South Korea to the army base there. Jenna is back in the States keeping up with her studies and training to be a field nurse. They talk as much as possible and plan their future wedding.

His Mama sends him letters detailing the daily life back at home, about how Daryl had taken a sudden interest in archery and was particularly drawn to the crossbow. Merle pauses at this, his old man used to have a crossbow back in Georgia that Merle only saw being used once. He doesn't linger on this and instead keeps on reading, his old man wasn't going to keep influencing their daily life anymore.

Grandma and Grandpa are getting on their years so now it's mostly his Mama that takes care of the family run business with input from his Grandpa.

In Seoul, it's a parallel to the quiet life that he led back in the States. The entertainment, food and culture fascinate Merle that whenever he goes out he tries almost everything and tries to communicate with the little amount of Korean that he knows. He especially likes it when the girls call him 'Oppa' while they giggle and wink at him. It's his ego that likes knowing that even Korean girls find him attractive.

One night in late December, while he's in the bunkers relaxing the last few hours before his day off is over, he is called by his Sargent and told he has an urgent call from the States.

It's his Mama calling. She is crying and almost hysterical.

"Your Grandpa passed away!"

His heart skips a bit and it seems like time has stopped before it fasts forward and then suddenly for the first time since he was 3 years old, Merle Ian Dixon bursts into tears and starts crying for the man that gave them another life.

He cries for the man that loved them unconditionally and without judgment.

-/-

A/N: so that's part two! I love everyone who reviews because it keeps me going and makes me proud of this story. I wanted to show how their life would have been different had there been another road to be taken.

Thank you so much for the love and support! Read and review and also **I accept prompts because I love a good challenge now and then!**

I have another story that's also TWD, it's in the works but three words: Glenn, k-pop, Daryl.


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